Kiwi Moment

KIWI MOMENT

Some of you may not know what this is, 

if you click on the kiwi, on the right hand side of the blog, 

you'll get an explanation there.

Now for this moment

A friend, we will call Mexican Martha, 

went to the big city of New York.  

She is from little old Crystal Rock, 

a spit on the map.

 This little community consisted of Mexicans and Hillbillies,

no lie, I came from there.

But there was no better place to grow up.

Back to Martha, 

We Mexicans are not known for our height,

tortillas, yes!

She is no bigger than a minute.

 Her and hubby were touring the city,

 and felt very out of place.

Well Martha had to go to the bathroom.  

Once she finds one, goes in does her job, 

washes her hands.  

Looks around, NO towels.  

OK, she sees the blower.

 Her hands dripping she goes up and realizes they want her to deposit some change. Not familiar with the ways of the big city, she figures they charge for everything. She puts her wet hands in her purse to get a coin. 

Drops the coin in and leans forward to dry her hands.  

Remember she is no taller than the machine, 

which is eye level to her. 

Instead of air drying her hands 

a squirt of perfume comes out and shoots her in the eyes.

She grabs her eyes with her wet hands 

and was worried that she is going to get raped and pillaged, 

while going blind.

Now wouldn't you think she would have had enough sense to read what the machine was for.

She said she was alone and nervous.

Poor little Mexican, 

went home with her sombrero between her legs!

My Car was Stolen

Went to Kohl's to buy my last Christmas gift.  I was in and out in exactly 10 minutes.  The line on both sides of the store went around the corner.  No Way!  Off to the jewelry counter.  As long as they are not waiting on someone for jewelry they'll check you out.  Out the door I go,  but where is my car. I went a couple of rows over, thinking , well maybe I parked over here.   No car. Are you kidding, Do you know how many white cars there are. I have my arm up in the air clicking the button, hoping the horn will start to honk.  I was zig-zagging the parking lot. I had to look like an complete idiot. Panic started to set in.  I started making a mental note of everything that was in there, Pride and Joy's mom had some Christmas gifts in the trunk, and I had some in the back seat.  Do I have full coverage on it?  Here I was patting myself on the back for getting in and out of the store so quick, obviously not quick enough. This guy was good, because I was literally in there for 10 minutes. Thinking he couldn't have gotten very far, I bring my arm down to dial the police, so I can catch the fool who stole my car. 91... and just before I hit the last 1. I look up.  I didn't have my car, I had the truck, our red truck.  I walked by that  #^*! thing about a dozen times. I just stood there staring at it. If I had a tail, it would have been tucked so far up my behind it wouldn't have been funny. So I slithered into the seat and went home, but not before I called Ethel so she could have a good belly laugh. So this Kiwi moment belongs to me this time.

KIWI MOMENT

This Kiwi moment belongs to Ethel:

  
She goes over to her brothers to let the dog out while he is away.  Doing a good deed.  Well that deed got her is quite a pickle.  Bobby, her brother has this contraption called an inversion machine. She knew what it was and how it worked, but never tried it. So she walks over to it, gives it the once over, and thinks, "I can do this."  Empties her pockets, money and cell phone on the table. Straps herself in, and flips upside down. This isn't so bad.  Her legs are pointing to Jesus.  Then the blood starts to rush to her head.  Ok, enough of this.  Time to get out, she tries to pull her weight up to right herself, BUT SHE CAN'T!  NOW WHAT!  There she hangs, OK let's try again. No luck!  After several attempts panic starts to set in.  
"OMG, what am I  going to do?"  She looks at her watch and realizes it's been half and hour of hanging upside down.  Know wonder her head feels like its going to explode. No matter how hard she tries she can not pull herself up.  Her feet are numb and cold. She has no choice, it's either die hanging here or call someone and humiliate herself to come and help her.  She reaches for her phone. 

 IT"S ON THE TABLE!  JUUUUUST OUT OF REACH.  Oh if she can just stretch a little bit more she can get it.  Starting to hyperventilate!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?  Well Ethel realizes she's all alone, except for Ginger the dog,  and has to get herself out of this mess.  Let's give it one more try.  Straining with every ounce of her being, she slowly pulls herself up.  "I'm almost there, oh please, please!"  I MADE IT!  Doesn't waste anytime unbuckling her feet.  Stands up and has the worst headache know to man.  Grabs her phone, that was of no use to her, and stamps out slamming the door behind her.  I think it took the rest of the day for the blood to get back to the rest of her body. 

KIWI MOMENT

This is one of the best moments yet!  This friend, we'll call her Shannon again, was on her way to work, running late with 15 things on her mind at once.

Do I have my books? 

Did I grade the papers? 

Did I give my daughter lunch money?  

Driving like a crazy person on her way to teach, she rushes inside to her office.  Her husband also teaches there and arrives just before her.  As she flies in last minute to grab some supplies, her husband gives her a puzzled look, and kindly asks did you do something different with your make-up?  Frazzled and thinking he's making smart remarks, she snaps back, NO HARRY!!!  He throws up his hands, backs away, and says OK!!  She runs down the hall to class, makes a detour to the restroom.  I thank God she did, or she would still be the talk of the school to this day.  As she looked in the mirror, she froze when she saw the reflection that looked back at her.  WHAT ON EARTH!!!!  She got a little closer to the mirror to see what it was. OMG! She realized what she did.  While driving to work she was putting on her makeup and used her lip liner instead of her eyebrow pencil. Yes, she had 2 RED half circles where her blond eyebrows where.  She grabs paper towels and starts to scrub like crazy.  As soon as she gets done with class, I receive a call, the first thing out of her mouth.  "I have a kiwi moment for you."   Well that just starts me to crack up.  She then realizes how mortified she would have been had she walked into her class room.  It would have been Professor BOZO for the rest of her life. And all her dear husband wanted to know was, if she had started to do something different with herself.

KIWI MOMENTS

OK, let me explain what KIWI MOMENTS are.  Something that you did and don't want anyone to know, but it's so stupid you have to tell someone. It makes you laugh so hard you cry, snort, and wet yourself, all at the same time.  Hence the name, kiwi, because my girlfriend had an encounter with a one. So every time one of us would do something that warranted the title, we would call one another and say, "I have a kiwi moment for you."  Immediately we'd start laughing before we heard what it was, because we knew it was going to be good.  And that started it all, many years ago, and there have been many since.  So periodically we will post them and expose ourselves to you.  So enjoy yourselves at our expense!    

The First Kiwi Moment:

I have this dear friend who used to bring me lunch everyday.  Now that's a friend.  Leftovers! Mmmmm!  Nothing better.  One day she brought kiwi's.  Well growing up in Crystal Rock and being Mexican and all, we were more apt to me running around with no shoes and tortilla in hand.  We had never even heard of a kiwi.  Not part of our vocabulary down in the Rock.  Ours consisted more of beans, rice, and tacos.  Anyhow, we have them for lunch one day, and I had never had one.  So I give it a funny look, not to sure about this fuzzy, nut looking thing......... we peel it, eat it, and to my surprise, I liked it!
So I call my other friend, we'll call her Shannon.  And I tell her about my new experience with this thing they call a kiwi. Her response, "I DON'T LIKE THEM!  That hairy covering taste awful, it got stuck in my teeth!" My response, "You dumb ass, your not suppose to eat it, your suppose to peel it, and eat the inside!"  "OH," was all she could say. I never laughed so hard in all my life. 

So that ladies and gentlemen, is why we call them the KIWI MOMENTS.